This is the transcript of a joke that appears at 1hr 18min 20sec of ‘Jim Davidson: On The Offensive’. The show was filmed in front of a squaddie audience and the DVD is an 18, so nobody can say they weren’t warned. Having said that, I was genuinely shocked by this joke. I’m not sure if it’s better or worse written down, and you certainly lose something in not seeing Davidson’s performance, but it remains starkly obvious, whether written or performed, that Davidson is relishing the sexual aspect of this story. I felt a bit sick transcribing it, but as a ladywoman that works with girls of this age, maybe I’m overly sensitive to this type of thing. It probably doesn’t help that I’ve been sexually assaulted a number of times either (although not as a child, thank God). It perplexes and frustrates me that plenty of people (i.e. the audience that the show was performed for) found this very funny. Questions that I’m currently pondering include:
1) Does this joke cause actual harm? Does the sexual and willing manner in which the girl is portrayed by Davidson lead to the assumption that girls that age are ‘up for it’?
2) Does Davidson feel uneasy about the joke? He makes two ‘apologies’ for it, at the beginning admitting that might lead to him getting punched in the face, and halfway through when he asks the audience if they want him to keep going. In doing this, is he effectively asking permission to tell the joke, and would it have been successful if he hadn’t done this? I think it would have been, but that Davidson wanted the ‘backup’.
3) Why does the joke go on so long, and in so much detail?! I feel that the punchline could be achieved earlier, with less indulgence in the painstaking seduction of the girl. Is that an aspect that Davidson enjoys? Does his audience?
4) A small, niggly point, perhaps, but why does he start the joke with ‘Women. Ok’ as if he’s now telling us ‘what women are like’?!
Ok, enough analysis. I seem to have made up my mind (although I’m prepared to be challenged), now see what you think.
Jim Davidson, On The Offensive, 2008
Women. Ok. There’s this young lady being interview by a policeman ’cause she’s been molested by a fucking dangler. She’s beautiful. She’s about 14. You can make her as young as you fucking want in this joke. It all depends if you wanna be punched. It’s good if you do this joke at a dinner party where there’s nice posh people and you see ’em doing that (makes sour face) But you know you get army head on. And you know policemen, they speak…”So tell us in your own words, uh, Doreen, what happened?” She said, “Well, you know, I’m 14.” 15, whatever. Eight. (laughter) “It was a hot day and I was standing at the bus stop on the way back from school, and I wore my mummy’s high heels and white socks that day, and I looked rather good in my pleated short grey skirt.” He’s fucking dripping here already! Laughter “Suddenly a man pulled up in a car and he said, ‘Would you like a lift?’ My Mum told me never to speak to strangers, but he looked so nice, I said, ‘I don’t think I could.’ He said, ‘There’s some puppies on the back seat if you’d like to see them.’ I stuck my head in and there were lovely puppies. And I thought, ‘Any man who’s got puppies must be a nice man,’ and so I said, ‘Well…’ He said, ‘Would you like to come back home and see the mummy dog with the rest of the puppies?’ I thought, lovely.” Do you want me to stop or keep going? (AUDIENCE: Keep going!’ Cheers) “So I got in his car and I sat there on his leather seats, and I noticed him looking at my legs. No one’s looked at me as a woman before. So I let my bottom slide down and my skirt go up, and I saw his eyes glisten. I thought, ‘I’m a woman at last.’ And he said, ‘You’re a very beautiful young lady.’ No one’s ever called me a young lady before. And when I got to his house, the mummy dog jumped up and all her dirty paws were on my blouse. I thought, ‘My mum and dad’ll kill me.’ He said, ‘Don’t worry. If you take it off, I will wash it for you.’ So he took the thing off, and I was stood there and I only had my little vest on. I don’t wear a bra but I’ve noticed my breast are getting big and sometimes my nipples poke out and it become obvious that I’m a bit cold. He brought me in a glass of champagne. I’ve never drunk champagne before. He said, ‘Would you like a drink?’ I couldn’t help myself pulling my skirt up a bit and opening my legs to let him see my quite warm and now moist white panties. I drank the champagne and I passed out and I can’t remember anything else.” The policeman said, “Well, can’t you just fucking make something up?!” Davidson mimes wanking action, laughter, applause.